The Cheneys’ Thanksgiving:
with Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus, plus Gloria Steinem
Before Dinner Drinks
CHENEY: Well, it’s so good everyone could be here. Mary, is there something you‘re especially thankful for this Thanksgiving?
MARY: Oh yes, I’m thankful for my wife and all the ways she...
BILLY RAY: But you won’t be legally married if you go to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, so you oughtn’t call her your wife if you go there.
MARY: I’m not going there and I’ll call her whatever I want to call her, Billy Ray.
CHENEY: I’m grateful for my new heart. I don’t care whose body it came from, it’s mine now and that’s all that matters. Say, Billy Ray, do you want to go duck hunting early in the morning?
BILLY RAY: No way, man! I saw how you shot your friend in the face in Texas.
CHENEY: Yes, but now I’ve had a change of heart.
BILLY RAY: Why don’t you take that pair of lesbians? Maybe they’d get off on it.
STEINEM: Now wait a minute. Where do you get off calling them lesbians? Don’t you know that could be highly offensive?
LIZ: You’re supposed to be Gloria Steinem not Anderson Cooper!
MILEY: I feel like you’re all just ignoring me. And I’m the most talked about person in the news right now.
LIZ: That’s why we’re ignoring you. We’ve all seen your dirty pillows at the awards show and we’ve had enough of you.
STEINEM: Now just hold on. Just because she feels she must expose herself as a singing slut, that’s what she feels she has to do to break the glass ceiling.
CHENEY: But really I guess there’s no glass ceiling left for raunchiness and tastelessness after Beyonce sang that M-F-song and Charlize Theron won an Oscar for killing men while indulging them. Then there’s Halle Berry busy on the floor with what‘s his name.
BILLY RAY: Please don’t go breaking my little darlin’s achy breaky heart by calling her performance raunchy! She has worked hard to develop her career.
LIZ: Your daughter behaved like a slut while singing. Has she no shame?
STEINEM: That’s the whole point! Women have come a long way and can behave like sluts if they want to. Didn’t you see those 60s pics of Helen Gurley Brown?
MILEY: Wyoming. Isn’t this where Mt. Rushmore is?
LIZ: Is this coming from Hannah Montana?
MARY: That’s in South Dakota, sweetie. But hey, it’s time we added a lesbian chick to Mt. Rushmore.
MILEY: Well--but who?
MARY: How about Billie Jean King?
MILEY: Who’s she?
STEINEM: Or maybe Eleanor Roosevelt.
CHENEY: Not a Democrat!
MILEY: What about Oprah Winfrey?
BILLY RAY: Oh, come on!
CHENEY: Do we have to take political correctness to Mt. Rushmore? A black woman possibly bisexual?
LIZ: Dad’s right as always. Which woman would you suggest, Dad?
CHENEY: Liz, if you’re going to be a power player you need to learn. Get on the phone and call Netanyahu and get his input.
BILLY RAY: Hold your grits, Dick. Why should an Israeli decide who else goes next on Mt. Rushmore? That woman Helen Thomas said Zionists control Congress, the White House, Hollywood and Wall Street. Besides, what Jewish woman could we possibly put on Mt. Rushmore?
STEINEM: Barbra Streisand maybe?
CHENEY: Another Democrat!
MILEY: What about Dolly Parton?
LYNNE: She already has her own theme park. Do you think Dolly Parton is Jewish?
BILLY RAY: She did sing Here You Come Again. But hey, Sarah Palin supporters think Sarah‘d be another Washington.
STEINEM: But we already have one Washington on Mt. Rushmore.
LIZ: I just spoke with Netanyahu and he’s on his way out the door to inspect a new bunker. Something about the war on Iran. He’ll phone us during Thanksgiving dinner.
CHENEY: Fair enough. But not Barbra Streisand and not Barbara Walters.
MILEY: By all means, add Barbara Walters and she can interview those presidents, and even the tourists! Ya know, like, an interactive interview with Mt. Rushmore!
MARY: Joan Rivers is Jewish, but her face changes.
CHENEY: She is not dignified enough to be on Mt. Rushmore!
STEINEM: Dear Abby and Ann Landers—I think they might have been Republican Jews. And they’re twins, so you‘d only have to put one on Mt. Rushmore.
MARY: But they were not lesbian chicks!
VOICE: Dinner is served.
MILEY: Who’s that? What an accent!
MARY: It’s a slave Dad got at Guantanamo.
STEINEM: A slave? Is that legal?
CHENEY: Who cares?! But think about it, Steinem, would you rather be a prisoner at Guantanamo or a slave at my house?
STEINEM: I suppose a slave at your house. Would I be allowed to go outside?
CHENEY: Only for duck hunting. You’d have to carry the bag of birds.
BILLY RAY: But what if she tried to run away?
CHENEY: She wouldn’t get far. First, there’s the Secret Service, totally complicit in 9/11. Second, she’d be breaking the Patriot Act. You’d never be heard of again, Steinem.
MILEY: Wouldn’t that be unpatriotic of you? To detain, abduct, conceal, rendition, and refuse legal rights to this champion of feminism?
CHENEY: Enough small talk. Let’s eat.